Jean+Thompson+Satire

// A Short Memoir of the Wicked Witch of the West //
 * 20 points**

I see you have all come to join my little party. Well, my pretties, read with care and regard the following as the whole truth:

As wicked as I may be, I find myself constantly without love. Yes, contrary to popular belief, even us villains do crave love of sorts. I’ve been portrayed as a character full of envy and bursting with criminal tendency, but yes, incompetent humans, I find at times that I have been lacking in the relationship department, and desire a partnership.

Blame it on what you may, but know this: my goodie-two-shoes “pal”, Glinda, is actually not at fault. Yes, it is shocking, I know. I almost sound as if I’ve turned to the other side: giving pathetic sympathy out to the undeserving and what not. But, to my fans, fear not! The demise of Emerald City will come soon enough as I prepare for my return, more wicked than ever before.

And here you sit, questioning what it possibly could be that wanes my attractiveness to the opposite sex. I’ll tell you. At first, I was skeptical to this reasoning because of my dauntingly charming persona and my curvaceous figure. I’ll let you in on a little something about myself that I’ve finally come to terms with.

Green. I am green! And apparently, men don’t fancy a women with enchanting pigmentation in their skin. For godsakes, the “great” city is even named after my precious tone. The “Emerald City?” Yeah okay, right, sure, that was given its term before I rose to prominence. I’ll let you think that, I’m flexible enough. But don’t think I won’t get you, my pretties. * cackling*

You all have to wonder how I ever came to be the way that I am. Well, my pretties, I’ll have you know that I didn’t start out looking like the drop screens that you high-tech humans use for film effects. I was born pale, pink, and wartless, just like the rest of the average world.

The greenness came later on. Now, in adaptations of me, my color has been told to have come from great wickedness, or my envy. Yet again, here comes I to correct your ignorance. How obvious, how blatant, how simple it is that I came to be green.

You humans must know the rumors of how consuming too many carrots will turn porcelain skin to coral. These rumors are incredibly, undeniably, irrevocably true.

You see, when I was of the age of 7, my love for vegetables was unreal. Again, contrary to simpleton human children, I, erupting with power, could not get enough of the substance. Every waking moment I was itching for vegetables. It was the only thing that, as mother used to put it, would maintain my magic.

Spinach, broccoli, snap peas, you name it, i ate it. Soon enough, any spell I cast shot out a glistening beam of emerald green. The magic too became stronger as the color became a deeper, more intensified shade. Glorious the site was, yet I couldn’t help but feel that this was not the end of my changing.

I had constantly felt a tingling in my skin. And to my surprise, one Sunday eve, I returned from a day of evildoing to my homely abode and noticed out of the corner of my eye that my fingernails had begun to turn a faded mossy green. Unaware of its cause, I devoured a huge bowl of brussel sprouts for dinner. The color, the next morning, had progressed to my shoulders and around my neck, and by the end of that day, my entire frame was painted an immense green. I could not change it, nor did I want to. I had never felt more alive, or more sinister. My true wickedness could no longer be mistaken, and I would at last be remembered as the most powerful in the land for being able to turn my own skin to such a color. Then again, I soon noticed, men never looked at me in the same way.

Before the transformation, I had been eyecandy. They would hoot and holler at my presence and there was never a moment where one did not beg for my love. Less and less shrank my appeal to males, yet more and more grew my power. Disappointing as it was, I faced the fact that in order to become my true self and embrace my power, I would have to continue eating vegetables and let my short-lived life of beauty go.

From this moment on, you see, I refer to you all as “my pretties” for this very reason. Lucky you are, to have an attractive shape and reflection. I plot here, in my loneliness, eating vegetables, growing more lean and green each day. My power and strength are as strong as my loneliness is potent.

Lesson for you nonmagical folk: don’t eat veggies. Parents are liars and cheats (which I would find admirable in most cases.)