Emily+Willoughby+Satire

April 3, 2014

“Green Knight” April Fools Prank Goes Too Far By __Emily Willoughby__

On April 1, 2014 at 12:14, one of the nation’s most highly acclaimed restaurants, //The Round Table,// was full of wealthy aristocrats enjoying lunch when a stranger dressed from head to toe in mismatched green medieval armor charged through the swinging doors on his emerald-colored motorcycle carrying a four foot tall battle-ax made of what appeared to be solid gold. His appearance was startling and upsetting to many of the customers, disrupting the peaceful atmosphere with the revving of his powerful engine.

“Frankly, I was scared to death!” stated one customer by the name of Genevieve Pendrakon, shuddering at the thought. “It was such an unexpected occurrence that I actually choked on my Caesar salad!” Pendrakon, whose husband, Archer Pendrakon, owns the popular restaurant, was outraged. “That man had no right to storm into my business in the fashion that he did. All of it, the outfit, the motorcycle, was completely inappropriate and immature, no matter the date!”

The man was later identified to be Bernard Hausdesser, age 29, who had recently fallen deep into debt with a mob group called //The Morgons//, and was forced to go through with the charade in order to settle his dues. Bursting through the doors with an alcohol level over .2, he was a danger to both himself and others. Medics were surprised he was able to ride the motorcycle at all.

Footage from the security cameras show the green figure slamming through the doors at full speed, and skidding to a stop in the middle of the room where dances are sometimes held. He then dismounted his vehicle, and according to witness accounts challenged the bravest of the men present to a duel. When no one stepped to the task, the man went on a drunken rampage, shouting at the customers and calling them all cowards. “We were all very disturbed by the scene,” said Genevieve Pendrakon. “My friend Lucielle has a very delicate color palate, and the sight of the green man with his clashing greens was enough to make her sick! I, myself, found that looking directly at the shiny green armor to be painful, simply because none of the colors matched. It was a fashion disaster!”

At this moment, the event took a turn for the worse. Gavin Ritter, the well-known football player for the Camden Knights, and good friends with the Pendrakons, decided to take care of the drunken intruder in the time it took the police to arrive. Witnesses recall the events that took place. “Everyone was very frightened by the green man, and when Gavin Ritter marched up to him, we all felt a bit of hope. Everyone knew that Gavin Ritter would never stand for such a crime to fashion,” said August Knoble. Father Bawdune, another customer, describes the short encounter between the two men, “Ritter walked up to the other man and accepted his challenge, right before punching him in the jaw. The man, who was obviously intoxicated, fell to the ground while releasing his ax, which then fell on himself, cutting open his own neck.”

The ax fell at such an angle that its own weight falling through the air was strong enough to decapitate the man. First Responders described the accident, “It was a very clean cut, slicing through the skin and muscle easily, and snapping the bone on contact. The force of the ax falling separated his head from his body most likely giving the man a very quick death, not unlike the guillotines used in medieval times.”

The atmosphere of the restaurant was greatly improved when the man and his green apparel was taken away by authorities. Customers finished their meals contentedly while the janitorial staff did their best to clean the blood-covered floor. “There is still a stain, which I worry will turn away customers with the reminder of this event, but we are working on re-doing the entire dance floor,” said Archer Pendrakon.

Customers that watched the ghastly scene are still very disturbed. “This was hardly an April Fools joke,” said Uriah Chevalier, age 16. “Seeing something like this on television is one thing, but watching that disaster walk right in front of you? Let’s just say I’ll have nightmares for weeks.” Most of the other witnesses had a similar reaction to Uriah, although his twin brother, Yale, offers a different insight. “To be honest, I thought it was really cool, the way that the entire scene played out. It was just like a scene from an epic piece of literature, with good versus evil, like Star Wars!”

The twin’s mother, Jeanette Chevalier, also commented on the situation. “The entire time I was in shock and horror, and I will never forget the sight of that man. His clashing green armor, hair, and motorcycle were absolutely terrifying, and I will never look at the color green the same way again.”

“I still go back to //The Round Table”//, said August Knoble. “The place still serves great food and has really taken the situation and turned it around. They even created a replica of the ax and hung it above the fireplace as a sign of perseverance. Replicating the man’s armor would have been detrimental, sending away most business, but the ax is a proud symbol that reflects the restaurant’s pride.”

The real ax was discovered to have been stolen from a medieval museum in England, and has since been returned. How the ax made its way to America is still being looked into.

An investigation into the possibility that Ritter murdered Hausdesser has begun, at the request of Hausdesser’s mother, Madonna Magiques. She is a powerful lawyer who might take the opportunity to take revenge for her son’s death, so Ritter may soon feel the cold blade of justice pressing down on his neck after accepting Hausdesser’s challenge.