James+Lin+2014

A compilation of random Thursday and Saturday and Sunday thoughts

I woke up this morning at 6:43 and my mom was telling me that my bus comes at 6:50 and I was thinking what? I basically have no concept of any hour before 10 AM now because of winter break and I’ve passed the entirety of this first school day back in a kind of vegetative state. I just came from math and got a 76 on my test, which is kind of disappointing. Sucks since we also have to do test corrections. I haven’t practiced in days and I’m feeling kind of apathetic about violin. Maybe it’s because I’ve grown up so privileged, but I feel myself losing motivation for it. It used to be that I played violin for myself and it was so much fun. Now it’s always for the deadline; this audition, that concert, to impress my peers, to please my parents. It’s scary thinking soon I’ll have to decide the course of my future in terms of choosing a college. I know it’s so tired to be the world-weary teenager, angsty adolescent, but I can’t help feeling inadequate when facing such stiff competition in these critical years before college. Have I really made the best possible grades? Am I achieving enough in my musical endeavors? Have I distinguished myself from my peers? Have I “gotten involved” in my community enough? Yeah then it gets a little ridiculous. I got a ukulele for Christmas which was really awesome; now that Jackie’s in college she is actually obligated to buy us presents. Her break lasts until around 1/20; second semester ends for her in May. Why?

I was at Montgomery HS for 10 hours for the longest region orchestra rehearsal of my life. Who knew orchestra could be so tiring. We’re playing all of Copland’s Rodeo I think, a Kabalevsky Overture, and Prokofiev No. 2 for our ridiculous concertmaster. We’re also playing The Stars and Stripes Forever because our conductor is from the marine band. The moment Soyeong starts playing everyone listens. She makes it sound so easy and meanwhile I’m sitting there on the minimal second violin part desperately trying to come in on time. Soon we’ll be back in our regular school schedule of hell. I have an 83 in math, wow when does the marking period end? Am I even 16 years old, I think I mentally never moved on from 13. Not really ready for the world.

So 2014? Usually I have no New Year's resolutions but I started the year regretting a lot. Despite any past friction I really hope I can treat my parents better. They really deserve it and do everything they do out of unconditional concern for me and my future. I get so near-sighted and petty. I wonder how that extends to my other relationships? I also just generally want to be a more cheerful and confident person. That sounds somewhat inconsequential except I constantly let things get me down and confidence is something I seriously lack. I think, if I may deduce, confidence is the ability to inhabit the space of your own mind. I think I always view myself in the third person; there's never a time when I'm not walking and considering the judgments of passerby. That's the issue. I'm never within myself, or living in the moment, or considering the world from my own vantage point, or however you want to describe it.

In general, I feel like half of human issues result from withheld information. Why are we so afraid of the distasteful? Be tactful, but let it all out. Be brutally honest (lovingly). Don't mindlessly complement people; give some constructive criticism where it's due. Don't pretend everything is okay; no such state of being exists. Identify the problems and take steps to solve them. And if you can't given your environmental and societal limitations? Then I don't know. Those are the times where we have to tough it out; I guess it makes us better people? I guess that's what motivates social justice? There are some situations over which you have zero control and those are probably some of the greatest obstacles to overcome in life. It sucks knowing as a teenager that all of the meaningful experiences you've lived through might not be the right ones to move you on very soon. Don't we get told that everyone has a story to tell?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wait-but-why/generation-y-unhappy_b_3930620.html ^^^I read this article about the general thesis on Generation Y depression last week and it really resonated with me. Basically we're all super entitled, and made to believe that we are special from a young age. But if a little brutal honesty had played in early on, a lot of us might be feeling a little less inadequate right about now. The truth is, we aren't special. There are 7 billion people on this planet and most of us aren't; otherwise, who would be? We have to be honest. You aren't the smartest, or the most talented, or the most creative, or the most anything. That sounds depressing, but in reality, **who cares**? That's just the old impossibility of perfectionism! code There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad. – 1984 code